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This Saturday I had the… pleasure, I guess, of going to an armory in Cottage Grove to watch MCW. MCW stands for Minnesota Championship Wrestling.

Yes, it really is as bad as it sounds - and I haven’t even begun to describe it.

Think WWF circa 1988 with worse actors and a shoddy production value.

Think of ‘wrestlers’ with names like Johnny Riddlin, Tommy “Spiderbaby” Saturday, Little Tiger and Lover Kid.

My betrothed works with some people who go to this bi-monthly event religiously and as such, she was asked to go - and then I was asked. I went, of course, because I love her dearly and had nothing else to do.

We drove from her place of employment to the armory. It took about a half hour. We passed what I think was one of the largest liquor stores I’ve seen - inside of what was an old Byerlys¹. There was also a Family Dollar inside of said store - so you could pickup a case of “Old Grandad” and gifts for the kids and spend less then $20. Apparently the people of Cottage Grove like to drink. And buy items for a dollar or less. So it goes.

We slide on past there and hit the armory - upon walking in we’re immediately hit with the strong odor of testosterone, stale sweat and something close to nachos. We wait in line. Yes, there was a little line. After a few minutes, they open up and we pay for our ticket. Our $10 a piece netted us a stamp that lists us as “#1″. At least they had that right.

It started around 7, we got there at 6:30, and had more then enough time on our hands to watch what was going on as we waited for her friends. People mulled in in groups of 2 or 3. I had never seen so many mullets in one place. The parking lot was awash in IROC Z28s. It truly was an amazing starter.

Oh, and the girl who checks us out at our local Target was also the one who took our money. How did we know? The obnoxious pointless tattoo she has and the style of dress - she’s one of those “I’m not fat at all, look at all the skin tight clothes I’m wearing - I’m so hot” girls. Granted, we’re a chubby pair ourselves, but we don’t attempt to shove ourselves into items picked up in the ‘junior’ section of Target. To put it another way, she is impossible to not remember.²³.

Anyway, her friends show up, we go - there’s a table where they are selling DVDs, clothing and sloppy joes. We pick a row thats far enough back and wait for… well, I had no fucking clue what I was waiting for. So we wait and eventually a gentleman in a ’suit’⁴ comes out with a mic, hops into the ring, and starts talking.

Sadly, he’s talking into a camera that is inexplicably pointed away from the entire audience and so we don’t really hear anything but a 10 minute mumble. Then a match begins. I can’t quite describe, except to say it’s a lot like you used to see in the WWF, only it is even more comical then you could imagine. After the second match we left, even though there was another 2 hours left to go.

I do have to admit, I did like it a little bit. You got to talk shit to the ‘wrestlers’. And I love to talk shit. Though I was trying to be humorous in a high brow way with insults such as “Improperly file his taxes for him, prompting an audit - that will show him!” and “That move was as original as your tattoo”⁵

Anyway - I don’t think I’ll be back again.

This is a clip of video I took. Stupid camera phone, I forget I need to orient it in a weird way to have a normal looking video.

1. Which was a ‘top shelf’ grocery store [↩]
2. Not to you, checker girl: It’s called style, please find some. [↩]
3. Oh, and no matter how hard you try, a pushup bra is not an elastic miracle, and will not create boobs out of nothing, stop trying [↩]
4. Whatever passes for a $30 suit these days [↩]
5. Said tattoo being of Jesus on the cross. [↩]