Pavleck.Com

I’m feeling pretty sick right now, a weird stomach flu thing going on - destroying my creative urges. I still wanted to leave a post today, and I thought I’d pull up something from the past.

For those that don’t know, I had cancer when I was 28. It came, it went, the world kept on turning - but my life was never the same again. I posted the below to Craigslist.org’s “Rants & Raves” section under Minneapolis on March 16th, 2006. It was a pure act of depression, as I had no idea how I was ever going to recover from it. People liked it, voted it up, it ended up on the “Best Of” list, and was then published in a few cancer-related magazines.

It’s been almost 2 years since I wrote it. And a lot has changed. I’m no longer depressed, I’m healthier, and my life in all aspects is much better then what you’re about to read.

But now I have a burning desire to find a ‘purpose’. To leave my mark on the world. You never truly die if your memory lives on, so I should do something that people remember. But was it that?
And I no longer know what I want to do when I grow up - I’m tasting everything I can in life and trying to find the right fit. It’s been fruitless thus far, but there you have it.

Anyway, read on to see what I wrote in an act of desperation to Craigslist years ago.

Posted to Craigslist.org on March 16th, 2006:

You know what sucks? Cancer. I hate it.

See, while technically ‘cancer free’ for the past several months, I still feel the effects of $236,000 in treatment. I’m only 29, but I get out of breath so easily, exercise is so tough. It’s a pure hell to me.

I mean all I had was Non-hodgkins lymphoma. That’s the Cancer you want to pick if someone says “You have to get cancer, now pick one”. 8 months of having toxic chemicals pumped through my veins… A catheter in my heart… A scar and 3 tattoos to remind me about what I went through, though I can’t ever forget.

My biggest downfall is I handle it all in stride outside. When I was rushed to the HCMC ER, almost unable to breathe, a tumor the size of a dinner plate inter-twined around my heart and lungs, pressing against them..
I thought I had pneumonia. After all, for a month or so I had the sniffles, a cough, a weird rash on my arms and horrible horrible night sweats. I’d easily miss 2 day sof work a week, so tired I cant move.

The doctors, well several oncologists, enter the room and quietly tell me I have cancer. I think they expected me to freak out when I simply looked at them calmly and said “Ok. Let’s take care of it”. And I think it bothered them a tad when I made the joke “Hey, at least I’ll lose some weight now!”.
But I didn’t. The prednisone steroid made me nauseous, so I had to eat a little bit all the time. The chemo destroys any fast dividing cells, like taste buds, so cherry laffy taffy became my comfort food (And I have yet to eat it since I got better!). I think I destroyed a really good relationship that occurred at the wrong time, with a woman who did what she thought was the best thing to do (Thank you).
Radiation wasn’t bad. In fact, compared to 6 hours in the Oncology unit for chemo it was a breeze - 15 mins and out. Quick and painless. Free parking. Good deal.

It’s been months, and I’m still so tired. My sleep schedule is destroyed - I’m up 40 hours, then sleep 18. Or maybe I’ll be in bed by 10 every night this week. Or maybe not. I want to exercise, but it’s so hard - I can do so little. And at 6′1″, 280 lbs I look like I should do a lot more. More then being winded by half a flight of stairs.

It also sucks, because I don’t know who I can talk to about it. People think it’s so hard… It wasn’t, it’s just a different struggle… But they hear the C word and think the worse… I never thought I was going to die. I found out later I was a week tops from dying from my tumor.. But I just knew it wasn’t my time. I remember saying that to my girlfriend, tears welling up in my eyes… It’s not my time. It’s not my time.

But the results, the shell of a man I’m left with.. Maybe I did die. Maybe emotionally and spiritually succumbed to the cancer. I don’t know any more. I go to work, clean my apartment, I do the things people do - but I’m hollow inside. I’m missing something and I don’t know what it is.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m a lot of things…. What I’m not is the old me. I miss the old me… I hope I come back

Sad stuff eh? That it is. As for the last line -I do still miss the old me, occasionally. But cancer has given me the drive to learn more about me and the world I live in - for that, I am grateful.